I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
