legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
