Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
