she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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