I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
