getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
