OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
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You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
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Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.