Texts From Last Night

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  I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans

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  (600): I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans http://tfl.nu/5cg9
  Replies (6) Good night (3760) Bad night (603)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time

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  (512): Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time http://tfl.nu/c4as
  Replies (19) Good night (4962) Bad night (1073)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.

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  (615): I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women. http://tfl.nu/xpcj
  Replies (8) Good night (3254) Bad night (1051)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

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  (636): I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public http://tfl.nu/ux7y
  Replies (9) Good night (995) Bad night (4295)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  The beers last night were like the tears from god

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  (561): The beers last night were like the tears from god http://tfl.nu/bni8
  Replies (5) Good night (1910) Bad night (693)
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  (619): View more from California

  His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.

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  (619): His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar. http://tfl.nu/lyc1
  Replies (8) Good night (2428) Bad night (863)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.

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  (610): i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards. http://tfl.nu/8v5s
  Replies (11) Good night (2080) Bad night (604)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.

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  (330): He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life. http://tfl.nu/pmkh
  Replies (5) Good night (1193) Bad night (513)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.

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  (248): No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again. http://tfl.nu/jvet
  Replies (7) Good night (1129) Bad night (545)
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  (845): View more from New York

  There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets

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  (845): There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets http://tfl.nu/ibjg
  Replies (6) Good night (685) Bad night (389)
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  (415): View more from California

  I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.

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  (415): I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not. http://tfl.nu/y17v
  Replies (4) Good night (631) Bad night (887)
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  (559): View more from California

  so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"

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  (559): so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?" http://tfl.nu/cy8a
  Replies (5) Good night (1318) Bad night (436)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.

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  (239): Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows. http://tfl.nu/ni5n
  Replies (7) Good night (590) Bad night (346)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?

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  (425): What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship? http://tfl.nu/30k4
  Replies (5) Good night (572) Bad night (304)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"

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  (517): We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!" http://tfl.nu/8tru
  Replies (0) Good night (326) Bad night (148)

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