meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?