I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
