I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
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You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
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FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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