im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
