Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
