i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
