im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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