i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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