so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
