I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
