my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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