i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
