I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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