Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
