I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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