How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i think i have two assholes
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
