eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
