Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
