I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
