I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
