she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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