I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
