Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
