So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
