$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
