I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
