Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
