you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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