I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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