I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
