What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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