Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
