Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
