Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
