Barsexuality is the new black.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
