took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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