So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
