Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
