if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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