I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
