When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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