Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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