Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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