you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
