K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
