I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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