On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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