I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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