I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My life is pants optional.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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