I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
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Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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