So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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