We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
